struggling

So I’ve opened WordPress at least twice a day, intending to post.

I write a few words, gaze off into the distance, and then close out – because I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to write, and what I *do* write seems too obtuse and full of je ne sais qua.

Who knows if this will even make it to publish – I know I really write this blog for myself, since my lack of blogging for the past 4 years has really alienated and lost the majority of my followers, but still…there might be someone, somewhere who might read this, you know?

Anyway, as the title suggests, I’m definitely struggling. I’m struggling with just about everything – with running (I managed to go about 2.25mi today, with mostly running and some walking), with sleeping (little man STILL doesn’t sleep through the night, and he’s sick AGAIN – time #4 this year), with food (sugar wins 99% of the time), with working out…I just don’t know. 

I know that I need to be happy with me in order for everything else to fall into place – I mean, just because someone loses weight doesn’t make them a hero or heroine, they’ve got to have a personality FIRST – but the fact that I still struggle, the fact that I still can’t lose the weight, is SO annoying and aggravating, and the fact that I have NO willpower to anything anymore is even more aggravating.

I get so angry at myself…which leads to me being depressed at my failure…which makes me feel like a failure…which leads to giving up…which wraps right back around to anger.

No wonder I can’t get past it, right?

what would YOU do??

So I posted a photo of my “fireplace” room yesterday…

Image

 

 

Yup…there it is. In all its’ *cough* glory.

So originally the plan was the paint the fireplace, so it could look like this:

But then I started look around and I found this:

And this:

And now I’m debating on painting the fireplace or whitewashing it….

What would you do!?!?

oops.

So I had *planned* to “redo” the laundry room this week — rip out the old 1980s cabinetry with the linoleum liner (yes, flooring linoleum…it was in EACH and EVERY cabinet and drawer in this house), repaint the room (it’s currently yellow, which was a significant improvement from the flowered wallpaper), and potentially upgrade the lighting.

I went to Lowe’s. I bought the new cabinet. I planned out the open shelving. I priced out the materials for my new drying rack. I went to the paint aisle.

Ahhh…the paint aisle. Where dreams are made.

And then I found two colors that I thought might look good in our “Up North woodsy” den. I say might because the room is 50% paneling. LARGE plank paneling, in a gorgeous (belch) orangey oak color….oh, and faux ceiling beams. And a full length brick fireplace. 

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See what I mean?

(And FWIW, that is nowhere what it looks like now…that was from when we toured the home. It is now covered in baby toys, different furniture, and all of Bella’s artwork and school gear.)

Anyway. I painted a half wall (not shown in this photo) with aforementioned samples.

Which led to me painting the LONGEST and LARGEST wall (basically from where this photo was taken). 

And so now the laundry project has taken a backseat towards updating this room into a new century…and a much prettier aesthetic.

That’s what I get for going to Lowe’s.

getting obsessive

When I was a kid, I was constantly getting in trouble for not making my bed, or cleaning my room, or picking up my clothes, or putting away my stuff…it meant nothing that all my “stuff” was contained within “my room” — it was expected to be picked up, put away in an organized and orderly fashion, and that was that.

When I got to college, I was slightly neater, but not by much…I knew (for the most part) where all my items where, but was still pretty disorganized.

When I got married (the first time), I was – again – a tad neater, but still not NEAT or TIDY by anyone’s standards. Then divorced. Then married again.

Any my husband is, quite possibly, the most MESSY PERSON EVER. And it drives me insane!! To be fair – he lives in a hotel room when he travels for work and has maids to pick up after him…but seriously – how does one sock end up in the downstairs half-bath, another sock end up on the stairs, his dress shirt on the bed, and his belt in the baby’s room!? Then, DVDs are allllllll over the house – maybe in a case, but most likely not, and hardly ever within the matching case. And his tools? GAH!!!

And so, with the birth of two children and my husband I have taken to cleaning.

A LOT.

Today I spent the few precious hours I had alone (hubby took the kids to the gym and then to a birthday party) cleaning three rooms — I rearranged the furniture in each of the 3 rooms, cleaned/mopped the laminate floors, vacuumed every room, changed all the sheets/towels, dusted everything, and then went downstairs and finished 4 loads of laundry, mopped/vacuumed the kitchen floors, loaded/washed/unloaded the dishwasher, cleaned the stove…and I’m still irked that I couldn’t finish cleaning the entire house.

This, of course, is after Thursday when I washed/vacuumed the carpeted floors, washed the floors of my laundry room, cleaned all of the baby’s toys, laundry (of course), and bathroom scrub down…..

Seriously. I don’t recognize me either.

a sign?

Ha. This is funny: (from one of those random “pick a door” questionnaires on Facebook)

 

You are a confident person with an eye for detail. You can come across as someone who is all together and exciting; yet you are just YOU on the inside. You care about your appearance and how the world sees you, yet the inside your home or car is probably a total mess! Your personality can be self destructive, for you could turn against yourself when the going gets tough. The life of a person who is a living a total contradiction… has got to be a difficult one. Remember to breathe and just relax. Life is not just about pleasing others. Truth is, the world isn’t always watching… Take time to reflect on who you truly want to be? What is it that you truly want to do?

missing up the mosh

You know what stinks about the diet game? (Other than the deprivation, avoidance, and continually focused mindset, of course…) What stinks is when you’re really working your ass off and you see no change on the scale.

BAH.

I *feel* better, so I’m going to continue to strive to eat healthier, avoiding empty carbs, have a “treat” of real Coke once a week or less, and focus on weight lifting/cardio. But man….talk about a bummer. 

Apparently you can’t just WILL away the weight or magically lower the number on the scale. 

So yea. No progress for February at all as far as weight loss goes.

What’s interesting to me though is I saw one of those advertisements where they put 5 women up, who all weigh the same (in this case, 150lbs) but are different heights. Their clothing size ranged from a size 10 to a size 18. The woman who was closest to my height wore a size 12, which is the size I tend to fluctuate up and down from (currently not a 12, but trying to get back to it)…yet I weigh a LOT more than her. 

Huh. Makes you think.

I’ve also started the lovely process that is our taxes….talk about depressing. Every year we end up paying a boatload of money, yet we have the max deducted from our paychecks. 

One day….one day, we might just receive a refund….I hope. 

intelligence isn’t a degree

I went to a smart high school.

Like, really smart. Our average graduating GPA was above a 4.0. We incorporated the number pi (3.14159) into our high school fight song. The number of SAT scores at “perfect” score was always in double digits.

Being in such an elite group of people makes you very driven and very focused. I believe out of 395 graduating seniors, all 395 went to college. We have a crazy percentage of doctors and lawyers (close to 50%), computer science programmers (40%), and the remaining percentage of us vary between liberal arts (a jewelry maker/professor, a playwright, some actors), political and business (entrepreneurial startups) and medical professions (nurse, PT, etc). 

The reason I tell you this is that now – almost 20 years after high school – I’m just coming to realize that my job does not define me. 

Only knowing that type of academic environment really does a number on you – the only thing that defines you is your future successes, and so we’re driven to perpetually push forward even in the wake of things that make you think, why am I doing this??

I’ve always pushed forward when it comes to work and my career – the first 2.5 years of high school I wanted to be an architect. It was only in those last remaining years that a close friend mentioned she was going to school for PT and I thought, hey – that sounds interesting. By senior year I knew that was what I wanted to do…and so I did it. 

I got into college, went through the motions of undergraduate (because, hey, who cares, I’m getting my master’s degree), finished my master’s degree, and started working. My initial trajectory of PT was to work with spinal cord patients – but I couldn’t master all the neurological background information, so my backup was to work with orthopedic outpatient, which is where I’ve been ever since.

I’m pretty good at my job. I’m not the best and I’m not the worst. I do what I can for my patients, I try to learn from my other fellow therapists, and I have a decent capacity for manual therapy. 

I continued to push forward, eventually working my way up to management. I liked it, I thought it made me important, made me worth something.

But then, through blogging while I was pregnant with my daughter, I lost it all.

I was fired.

First time in my entire life I had completely screwed up. So, when maternity leave was over, I started again.

And I wasn’t working 50 hours a week.

I kept working part-time. My fellow therapists liked me, I liked them, I started to build a name for myself in the community I worked in and had “regulars” who came in to see me after an injury. But then I changed jobs to be a little closer to home.

I love where I work now BUT I’m very isolated – I only work with one other therapist, who is amazing, but doesn’t really treat on a regular basis. Two of the three owners are amazingly talented PTs – one is nationally recognized for his work with runners and triathletes. It’s some really big shoes to be alongside them and I’m always amazed that they hired me.

I try to keep up, and on a good day, I might even come close…but I’m realizing that it’s okay to not be as talented as them. It’s okay to not want to be management, to not want to push forward. It’s (even) okay to not want more…to be peaceful with where I’m at.

I may have come from one of the best high schools in the nation, and I may have graduated from one of the top universities in the nation for my degree, but it’s taken me a long time to realize that intelligence isn’t only what’s on paper, it’s understanding who you are.

And I’m starting to realize that who I am, isn’t who I thought I was.

And that’s okay.